Happy Holidays...

Holy cow, where does the time go? It's been a solid month since my last post and I can hardly believe it's been that much time.

This has been a wonderful holiday season for our family full of blessings and love. We went into the holiday season not quite sure what kind of Christmas our family would have and we ended up having the best one ever.

I won't bore any of you that take the time to read this blog with the details of all the blessings that we have received, but the true meaning of Christmas was at the heart of our holiday and we didn't end up feeling neglected or that we had missed anything at all. Each of the children ended up with a present, we had a beautiful Christmas tree and a fabulous Christmas dinner. Thank you to each of you that helped our Christams miracle take shape; it has been amazing experience for our family.

For those of you that are interested in Kai, we found out a couple of weeks ago that the lesion we found in October has indeed grown in size, but fortunately it has not reoccured anywhere else. He will be having surgery to remove the new lesion in the next month or so and fortunately does not have to undergo any additional chemotherapy right now. So, here was are 12 months later and hopefully coming to an end of this particular journey. We may have to watch for new developments as he grows up, but he has beat the worst of this as far as we can tell and we are grateful for that.

I hope that each of you had a wonderful holiday season and send best wishes for a fabulous new year!

Giving Thanks...

My thoughts are probably in the same place as many of yours right now and that is reflecting on the many blessings that take place in my life daily. It's sad that we live in a world where many of us pray for miracles and then when things turn out okay we breath a great sigh of relief and say to God, "Oh, never mind, I figured it out." With the miracles around us, how can we not see the hand of God in our lives and see his great mercy and love for us? I hope that during this great Thanksgiving Season and going on into the Holidays that we will remember who is directing our lives and working for our good.

I'm thankful for wonderful family and friends and for the blessing that they are in my life. I am also thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who blesses me daily. My wish for each of you this season is to take a moment to reflect on your own lives and recognize the goodness that is there and to give thanks where it is due by getting on your knees.

Happy Thanksgiving and Happy Holidays!

Being Good...

It's all that matters.

It's so easy to get caught up in feeling that something is very important when in fact it is only a smoke screen. Feeling that the image you project to others is important is faulty logic, but it's amazing how at the time it gives you a false sense that you are indeed pulled together and the world is right. In truth, your reality is hidden and before you know it you can't remember what was ever important to you. I know that people who care about me are here for me and I should have leant more on you for support when inside I was falling apart.

I love my family and friends and I'm thankful for each of you. Please be good. Do good for others. Leave your mark on this world and know that it is a good one. Because at the end of the day, being good is all that matters.

Kai

It's taken me a week to get this posted, but here's the latest on Kai. Last week we had Kai's latest CT scan and full body x-rays. After 9 months of chemo we thought it would be fairly routine and we'd get more of the same news. Instead, we found a new boney lesion on Kai's skull. Luckily it is about a quarter of the size of the other two that he had before.
So, here's the plan. Normally we do the scan and x-rays every 3 months, but this time we're moving it up and will do an x-ray of his head in 6 weeks (5 weeks from now). If it's the same or healing then we keep going with chemo as it is now. If it's larger, then we will do all of the x-rays and CT scan again to see if there is anything else. If there isn't, then the neurosurgeon will just go in and basically scoop it out. If something else does show up then we have to change what we are doing completely.
If you followed all of that, as you can see there are a lot of options for what could happen at this point so I'm doing my best to just focus and not worry.
I'm really down with this latest news and I'm finding it really hard to be positive at all. Life seems overwhelming so I'm praying that something good can happen soon. I need it! Please keep our family in your prayers.

Changing Colors

Fall is officially here; okay maybe it has been for a few weeks, but I'm way behind on the blog so indulge me. One of the things I love most about living in Utah is the changing seasons and diversity. I love that we have the snow capped mountains in the north and the red rock arches in the south. I love that I get to enjoy the hot steamy days of summer, the mild chill of the fall, the cold wintery winter and the refreshing, beauty of spring. I'm not saying that I love all of those days every day; I have my days where it is just too darn hot or cold, but overall, I do love it!

I don't know how long my family will get to stay in Utah; having a New Yorker for a husband means that we feel a certain tug toward other corners of the U.S., but for now we are happy here. Michael's career is blossoming; he has finally settled into something he really enjoys. He wakes up everyday happy to go to work and when I talk to him throughout the day he still sounds happy. I'm thrilled that he has finally found that in a job! We also enjoy having family close; something that has been a real blessing this year. As for me, having Moira in Kindergarten this year has made me realize that stay-at-home moms/dads are really beneficial and more than ever I'm feeling that tug. Having been a working mom up until now, I see so many benefits to having had them in daycare; my children are social, independent, polite and secure, but perhaps it's time for a change. They will always be social, independent, polite and secure because they get that at home too, but it would be nice to be able to focus on homework and doing things with mommy. Children grow up way to fast as it is and I don't want to look back one day and realize I missed it because I was too busy.

This stressful year has taken it's toll on me and though I appear to have handled it well (and mostly I think I really have), I can feel parts of me cracking under the pressure. I know that some of my coping strategies aren't very good ones, I've needed to address some of them since college. They didn't work then, lol, I'm not sure why I thought they would now. I'm feeling the need to simplify and concentrate on getting back to who I really am, because I don't feel like I'm me right now. Thankfully, I have a family that are helping to keep me grounded and I have never lost sight of what is important, but a little simplicity sounds wonderfully refreshing!

Here's to fall foliage and some much needed simplicity!

My beautiful family...

It's rare for me that when my infant gets up for her last feeding in the night that I can't go back to sleep. I love sleep, I don't get as much of it as I would like so when I get up I can't decide if I'm bugged or if I like it. The reason I like it is because it's quiet... I know my children are tucked snug in their beds, my daughter is well fed and my hubby is sleeping soundly next to me. I take a few minutes to go check on my babies and love watching their peaceful expressions and love it when my little guy talks in his sleep (he's done that since he learned to talk, it's so cute).

One of the funnest things though is I'll turn on the TV and watch something on Food Network (if I catch the last show before the infomercials start) and snuggle into Michael. He never completely wakes up, but he always pulls me close to him and gives me a tight squeeze. It's a beautiful feeling; contentedness (is that a word?) sets in and the world is good again.

I love my family!

Moving...

I really hate moving. However, I'm really excited for our move to our new corporate center. It is nice that I simply pack my boxes, label them, then leave for the weekend and all the work is done for me. I show up on Monday morning, dock my laptop, unpack my boxes and I'm good to go. Brilliant! The building is beautiful and state of the art; it will be a nice building to work in.

On the home front, Moira is doing fabulous in Kindergarten. She's making friends and loves telling us about what she learned each day. Kai has started pre-school and the report is about the same. When I pick him up, he loves showing me everything he has worked on. As we leave he waves to whoever is still there and says, "Good-bye friend." Mercedes continues to change so much every day. She has the biggest smiles and sings constantly. She is our newest little joy!What cuties I am blessed with!!

Michael is simply loving his new job! It is the perfect position for him; he is being challenged and utilitized in the best of his abilities. He continues to amaze me every day!

As for me, well I couldn't be happier right now. For the number of challenges we have faced this year, we have come out on top and best of all, feeling happy and blessed. Heavenly Father truly has a hand in our lives and shows us daily how much he loves us.

Working again...

The explanation for the obvious slow down on our blog is simply the fact that I am now back at work. It is bitter sweet to be back; sweet because I do love my job and co-workers, bitter because I have to leave my sweet children at home.

The one thing I've had to ease my mind is the fact that Michael has been working nights and therefore able to be home in the days with the children. Sure, we both feel overworked and tired beyond imagination, but the children have been with their parents and that has been a wonderful blessing.

Our nice little routine (nice was said with much sarcasm) is about to change once again because Michael just received a promotion at work and has been offered a position as the AR/HR Manager. Now, how could we pass up such a wonderful career opportunity? There has been a lot of back and forth because of the children, but in the end, we decided that we couldn't pass this up.

Other reasons for the slow down on the blog are more personal and likely to pass in a short while so hopefully I'll settle into a routine sometime soon and keep our little corner of the internet universe updated. For now I'll offer a cliffnotes version of an update. Children are healthy, happy and growing like weeds. Yay!

First Day of School

I woke up this morning with the scene from Finding Nemo running through my head; the one where Nemo swims in to wake up his dad chanting, "First day of school, first day of school." I've been having dreams for the past few nights that we sleep through the first day and I'm having to explain to the teacher and try to get her to take Moira in her class still. Luckily that's one dream that didn't come true!

I can hardly believe that Moira is old enough for school already and yet here we are! I'm joined by parents all over feeling the exact same feeling I'm sure. I didn't cry when I dropped her off with Michael to attend orientation (I had a doctor's appointment...shocker!), I'm not much of a crier anyway, but mostly I was just so excited for her.

I was amazed to hear the report however, that perhaps I would be better suited for first day of school duty. Apparently single mom's find it the perfect opportunity to flirt with the few dads that show up. For shame... lol! Luckily I'm not one of 'those' wives and found it funny. Nice to know I have such a handsome husband and apparently I'm not the only one that thinks so. Thanks for the compliment ladies! :)

Today marked the beginning of years of education to come and I'm excited to be at this stage. We love learning in our home and it will be fun to have a formal setting for the children now. Maybe one day I'll even be a PTA mom, haha, wouldn't that be fun!

Giving thanks!

I have so many fun pictures and funny movie clips from our trip to Bear Lake and I will get them posted as soon as I upload them to my computer. Right now I want to say thank you to wonderful parents who put together such a fun family get away. I know our little family certainly needed it and it was so much fun to spend time with the siblings. Not everyone was able to come and they were sorely missed, perhaps next year circumstances will be such that they will be able to get away as well and get some much deserved family time!! (Hint, hint... plan now or I'm coming to get you to bring you with me... you need to be there!)

Also, Moira had her follow-up this week with the surgeon and the pathology report came back saying the tumor was not cancerous! Yay! I really didn't think that it would be, I know my limits and I'm not sure I could handle two kids in chemotherapy in one year.

Mercedes had her two-month check up and she is growing just right. She's a healthy little girl and is very good at letting us know what she needs. She is smiling a ton and cooing more and more (in fact, right now as she sits in my lap!).

Kai had chemo this week and has lost a little weight, but otherwise had a glowing report. I suspect he spent more time running around at the beach than he would at home and was too excited to sit still long enough to eat a real meal so a little weight loss didn't worry me.

Moira will start kindergarten next week and is so excited. We're all so happy that she is recovered enough that she can go. Mommy and Daddy are a little overwhelmed that we are to the school stage already, but couldn't be more excited for Moira. She has spent the last week convincing me that Kai should be going too and that her teacher can take care of Mercedes. LOL, it's too cute!!

Bear Lake Adventures

My oldest two kids have been counting down the days until we take off for "The Beach." Well, Bear Lake does have a beach and though it may not be the ocean, this beach will suffice and my kids are so excited to be getting away for a few days. Sadly, we have to leave behind papa because he has to work, but we will do our best to enjoy our time without him.

I'll upload pictures as soon as I can of the little cuties basking in the sunshine. Yay for Grammy and Grandad for putting together such a fun get-together. This is one of our yearly traditions that we do as a family that we look forward to every year and luckily it falls while I'm still on maternity leave.

I haven't intentionally planned to have all of my children right at the beginning of the summer, but it sure has worked out well. (Hint for the day... To all of you mommies that work and are thinking about having a baby, try to "schedule" your baby to arrive so that you can feel like a little kid again and have a nice summer vacation.)

Dreams to Reality

I've become very thankful for the little things that life brings and I believe very strongly in the law of attraction. I've been spending the last few weeks focusing on the things that I would like to get out of life and I even wrote out a description of what that life looks like. I have it posted on a board in my office so that I can look at it every day. I believe very strongly that one day that dream will become reality.

When I first took the time to write out the narrative of my dream life, I was struck by the realization that no where did it mention 'things.' When I'm going through a stressful time in life (like now), my automatic response is that I start accumulating 'things.' I suppose some people find shopping therapeutic; perhaps I do on some level too. The odd thing is, I prefer a simplified home without much clutter. Now try melding my behavior with my preference. Haha, it's near impossible.

I figure if I can talk about this, perhaps I will fulfill this need without actually going out to get things I do not need and more importantly things I do not want.

What do you do when you're stressed? I'm not talking about the little "I had a hard day and I'm really tired and stressed so I think I'll go to bed early" stress, I mean the "my life is literally falling apart in front of me and I have no control of the situation" kind of stress. Will I be okay? Sure I will, humans have an amazing ability to bounce back. The world really is not coming to an end, but my life tomorrow will not resemble my life yesterday and that will be okay. I'm focused on my future life and the dream that will one day be my reality.

All is Well

Moira is doing really well today and it looks like we will be able to go home soon. Her spirits are high, she is tolerating food and she can walk a good distance; all criteria to be met before we could be released.
We still don't have a report from pathology, but I suspect that everything will be just fine. Thank you for all the support of family and friends!
I'm now committed to finding something fun to write about. I've had my drama for the decade!

And So It Goes...

Let me start this post by saying that this blog is pretty much a basic journal for me to document the goings on in our lives with just enough information to keep my family and friends informed. It's my outlet for getting my feelings out and for trying to make sense of my sometimes chaotic world. I have never been an overly private person as I don't feel I have much to hide. I do leave out the more private details of my life's journey, but other thoughts I leave here to be shared.
That said...
I distinctly remember how I felt on New Year's Day this year. I felt so excited. I just knew that this year was going to be the best one yet and I felt that good things were going to happen. Well, I'm not sure if I forgot to pass on the memo or what, but here I am eight months later wondering what that feeling was all about.
To put the year in a brief review we'll start with the infamous doctor's appointment on January 3rd that sent us straight to Primary Children's Medical Center where we subsequently spent three weeks (while 4 1/2 months pregnant) trying to figure out what was going on with Kai. It was the end of January when we found out that he had LCH and would undergo 12 months of chemotherapy.
Mercedes was born a few short months later, luckily with no drama. She has been the bright star in our year, but admittedly, life with a newborn is no cakewalk and the sleepless nights have made one tired mama.
Well, here I sit in Primary Children's Medical Center yet again. We've been here for just 24 hours, but what a whirlwind this has been. I took Moira to the doctor yesterday because she'd been dealing with some pretty acute abdominal pain for about 24 hours. The basic causes of a hurting tummy were quickly ruled out and then under examination she was extremely tender which was quite concerning. The doctor did some tests, but let us go home to observe her while the results came back. He called around 4 p.m. to check on her and said the inital reports came back normal; we gave our report from home that she was hurting more. So, on advice from the doctor, we headed up to the hospital to see if she had appendicitis.
Appendicitis is a hard condition to identify so we did all the simple tests first, but we still couldn't tell if that's what she had for sure or not. The doctor decided to do a CT scan which would once and for all confirm or rule out that's what she had. He came in about an hour later with some print outs and said, "Sometimes when we go in looking for one thing we're surprised and find something else. The good news is that she does not have appendicitis." I'm thinking to myself, "Is this good or bad news." He then showed me the slides he was holding and started pointing out obvious things like the spine, the pelvic bones, etc. then he pointed to a large circle that took up a good quarter of the slide and said, "this however doesn't belong here. What we have found is an ovarian tumor the size of a canteloupe." I went to bed last night with a heavy heart, it doesn't seem real that two children should be so sick within just months of each other.
Our little beauty is now about an hour post-operation and seems to be doing well (well at least she's sleeping anyway). The surgeon was able to remove the whole tumor and he was very pleased with how well she did in surgery.
So, now I ask myself, what is this year all about? Will I be able to look back at everything one day and feel a sense of excitement and feel that this did turn out to be a wonderful year or was that the sustaining power of the Holy Ghost preparing me for one of my most stressful and troubling years I have ever experienced? Either way, I'm along for the ride and know that everything will turn out well in the end.

Secret Obsession (or is it?)

I comfort myself with the knowledge that I am so not alone in this little obsession of mine. It took me until the ripe old age of being in my thirties for me to actually have something I could consider an obsession and here it is... I now hold my head up high and proudly admit that I am a Twilight Addict. I love the books and have read the first three so many times that I can't even remember the exact number now; currently I'm on my second time through book 4. I am really looking forward to the movie and find myself googling for information about it when I'm looking for something to occupy my time. I know it's silly, but it gives me something fun to do.

I find it funny that when I go out into public (on the rare occasion I can get out of the house) whether I'm sitting in the waiting room at the doctors office or getting the haircut my hubby so sweetly set up for my birthday, I'm able to connect with total strangers with just one phrase... "So, have you read the Twilight books?"

I found it fun as I started to find out more about Stephenie Meyer to find that I have quite a bit in common with her. Maybe that explains my love of her work, but I think it's more that fact that she's a wonderful writer. I've already read The Host and can hardly wait to see what she does next.

If you haven't read the books yet, pick one (or all 4) up and enjoy! You'll be glad you did.

I'm now on the hunt for the next good book to read. There are so many out there, it's just a matter of finding the right book that speaks to me.

Kai update #2...

Well, I have even better news. I got a call from the doctor on Saturday because he had just gotten the last test results back; he was so excited to share the results that he called on the weekend. Kai has 4 boney lesions (basically a missing section or hole in the bone) throughout his skeletal structure and three of them have completely healed and the third is in the advanced stages of healing. This is SUCH great news and we are so excited. This adds to the news we already had that his spleen and liver are at last back down to normal size. This eases our tensions greatly to know that with just half of the treatment done that we are already in such a great place.

We feel so blessed right now. We have felt a great deal of pressure with all that has been going on so far this year and it finally feels as though we've weathered the storm.

Thank you to all of our family and friends that have kept us in your prayers!

Michael Jr.'s (a.k.a. Kai's) update

Sweet Michael Sr. took Kai into Primary Children's Medical Center today for the latest round of CT and skeletal scans followed by Kai's routine check-up and chemotherapy. This is the first time that daddy has done the whole routine alone and I think he was pleasantly surprised to see that he survived the ordeal. (Hence the reason I call him sweet). He was nervous with having to deal with a wiggly 3-year-old who would much rather be running and playing than have to be still for medical procedures and treatment, but everyone came home in one piece and with very positive news.

Kai had his ups and downs, but overall the trip was a success. The scans showed that his spleen and liver are now back down to their original size and all the boney lesions throughout his skeletal structure are showing signs of progressive healing. This was all great news as it appears that his condition really is in remission and we will only have to endure 6 more months of chemotherapy.

We knew going into this that Kai was a sturdy boy and a fighter and his body is indeed doing just what it should. We feel blessed to have such a positive outcome at this point and are expecting to have much of the same in the future.

Thanks to everyone for all of your thoughts and prayers. We love you all!

Joining the bandwagon...

I've been meaning to start a blog for the past few months because it's just too hard to keep everyone updated on the latest in our house. After Mercedes was born, as I was calling around to talk to everyone, without a doubt the second question was, "How is Kai doing?" It was then that I realized that we had to start a blog so that everyone could read what was going on in a much more timely manner.

We will be going into the hospital for scans on Thursday to ensure that Kai's treatment is working and I'm sure we'll get a positive outcome. Kai seems to be doing really well and is our little rock star. He walks around the house singing and is upset beyond reason when he misses any song on the TV or radio. At 3-years-old, he is already concerned with the whereabouts of the iPod, because heaven forbid he should miss a song. It's just too darn cute!

Mercedes is now starting to smile and is sure the world will end if she isn't held 24 hours a day. Maybe she's right. I'm not willing to risk the possible cataclysmic event that would follow so I'm more than happy to keep her close until I have to head back to work. Even then, I'm sure she'll be showered with snuggles as soon as I get home.

Moira is our little mama in training. She loves to help with the baby, actually enjoys cleaning and has decided its time for her to learn some serious cooking skills. What can I say? She was born this way and it's a talent for her. Lucky girl!